I walked home this morning on a crisp and sunny autumn day in Madrid. I felt the cold and minty-fresh breeze on my face, and through my clothes. I had goosebumps. It was early, so it was still quiet and I could hear the fallen leaves crunch under my boots.
I was cold, I had a headache; yet I felt the day to be beautiful. The newspaper boy smiled to me as he handed me todays paper, the street musicians were tuning their instruments to begin earning a living, I smelled coffee and churros as I passed a few old-man cafes. And suddenly I realized how much has happened in my life over the last 8 months in Madrid.
I started getting flashes of all the good times, and all the down times; of all the wonderful people I have met and personal relationships I have made that I know will last me a lifetime; of how hard I have worked, of how little money I have earned, of how I’m lucky that I don’t have to give a shit about my income at the moment.
Of family – deep gratefulness,love and longing to feel home; of lovers – ecstasy and heartbreak; of friends who have never let me feel alone, and of friends who have disappointed me.
Of how much I have achieved and grown personally in the last year. Of how much I love my life, yet of how much I still feel very alone sometimes, although I have no good reason to. Of how insecure I get, of how much I want to share, of how my walls stand higher than they ever have been.
I thought your life only flashed before you when you are dying.
Anticipation, excitement, fear, solitude, independence, happiness, disappointment, vulnerability — I felt all this in the same instance.
Funny how a bad nights sleep and an early morning autumn walk can ruffle-up all this. I was abruptly overwhelmed so I sat down and started to cry.
Sometimes you just need a cry.
Umm Autumn, Did you also notice the colour of the leaves before they dried and got off the trees, before they got crumpled under your boots. Did you get any chance to walk in the woods and notice how tress and hand even minute vegetation dressed up in bright colours just to go retire in bare branches?
If you had you might have giggled and laughed not felt like crying. Life is a cycle, notice each moment that goes by around you. Live in this… this moment. Because this is the moment to live with the people you have around you, people who long for you.
So next time a cold, windy morning gives a chance for a walk find a reason to smile and then make yourself giggle!
Uummmph
Tear down all the walls! “Something there is that doesn’t like a wall, that wants it down”…Check out my blog to re-read R.Frost’s beautiful poem for a smile.
anonymous: thanks but i need to learn how to make myself giggle!
patsy and francisca: what a great poem. i studied it in school and had completely forgotten about it – thanks for bringing it back to me.
giggle when you someone giggle, giggle when you see a bird flutter in a small pond, giggle when you fall down the bike, giggle when you miss a date, giggle when you think you have nothing ot giggle……
I think our post almost made me cry, it brought me back to my semester in madrid. I lived at the corner of Retiro and I was doing the fall semester. I remember taking long walks by myself around Retiro and just thinking about my life in its transition state and all the little and big things and I remember the same feeling of overwhelming emotion. It feels good in a way too to feel something bold like that, even if it does make you cry.
sometimes- you are right- a feeling-cleansing-sad-passionate-joy full-in the moment cry- it can be esential- i love that comment- life flashing before my eyes- why wastethat in the moment before death- see it now- and cry those tears reliving it- appreciate the life we’ve lived and keep going- why do we always have to giggle…