I walked home this morning on a crisp and sunny autumn day in Madrid. I felt the cold and minty-fresh breeze on my face, and through my clothes. I had goosebumps. It was early, so it was still quiet and I could hear the fallen leaves crunch under my boots.
I was cold, I had a headache; yet I felt the day to be beautiful. The newspaper boy smiled to me as he handed me todays paper, the street musicians were tuning their instruments to begin earning a living, I smelled coffee and churros as I passed a few old-man cafes. And suddenly I realized how much has happened in my life over the last 8 months in Madrid.
I started getting flashes of all the good times, and all the down times; of all the wonderful people I have met and personal relationships I have made that I know will last me a lifetime; of how hard I have worked, of how little money I have earned, of how I’m lucky that I don’t have to give a shit about my income at the moment.
Of family – deep gratefulness,love and longing to feel home; of lovers – ecstasy and heartbreak; of friends who have never let me feel alone, and of friends who have disappointed me.
Of how much I have achieved and grown personally in the last year. Of how much I love my life, yet of how much I still feel very alone sometimes, although I have no good reason to. Of how insecure I get, of how much I want to share, of how my walls stand higher than they ever have been.
I thought your life only flashed before you when you are dying.
Anticipation, excitement, fear, solitude, independence, happiness, disappointment, vulnerability — I felt all this in the same instance.
Funny how a bad nights sleep and an early morning autumn walk can ruffle-up all this. I was abruptly overwhelmed so I sat down and started to cry.
Sometimes you just need a cry.